For over 20 years, I thought I was just bad at eating.
I thought I was disciplined. I thought I was “being healthy.”
I thought my constant thoughts about food were just a sign that I cared about my wellness.
But the truth is—I had an eating disorder. And I didn’t even know it.
In Episode 7 of Beauty in the Break, my partner Cesar and I sit down to share our very different—but deeply connected—experiences with eating, shame, survival, and ultimately, healing. This episode is for anyone who has ever felt broken around food. Anyone who’s ever heard a punishing voice in their head about what or when to eat. Anyone who’s lived with hunger—whether emotional, physical, or both.
I Never Got Eating Right—Not One Day in 22 Years
For 22 years, I was secretly obsessed with food. I thought about it constantly—what I was eating, what I should be eating, what I’d eaten yesterday, how to “fix” it tomorrow. I lived with what I now call the drill sergeant in my mind—an internal voice that tracked my every bite, praised my hunger, and punished my fullness.
I wasn’t starving myself in the traditional sense. I ate “healthy.” I avoided sugar. I followed the rules. But my relationship with food was toxic, and it took me decades to realize that what I was dealing with was more than just “being hard on myself.”
It was disordered.
And finally naming it changed everything.
Cesar’s Story: From Childhood Hunger to Food Freedom
Cesar grew up with a different kind of food trauma—literal hunger. At just five years old, he was sometimes left alone overnight, often with little or no food in the pantry. Hunger became his baseline. Food, when it showed up, was survival. And as an adult, when he finally had agency, he gave his inner child everything he’d been denied—cheesecake, pizza, cookies, whatever his soul craved.
And then… one day, that inner child said, “We’re good now.”
No forcing. No plan. Just healing in its own time.
His story reminded me: there are so many ways we learn to disconnect from our bodies. Whether through restriction or indulgence, shame or scarcity, we all have food stories that live in our nervous systems—and those stories deserve our attention, our compassion, and our rewriting.
What We Learned About Healing
In our episode, we talk openly about the lies we believed, the voices that haunted us, and how we began the slow (and ongoing) process of unlearning. For me, that meant discovering intuitive eating and learning to actually listen to my body for the first time in my adult life.
I had to unlearn the belief that hunger was good.
I had to reject the voice that said thinness was worth suffering for.
And I had to mourn the years I lost chasing someone else’s idea of health.
If You’re Wondering “How can I eat normally?”… This is for You
You might be here because you are wondering:
• Do I have disordered eating?
• Why do I feel guilty after eating?
• How do I heal my relationship with food?
• What is intuitive eating?
• Why can’t I stop thinking about food?
Friend, if you see yourself in any of this, please listen to the episode. Not because we have all the answers—but because we know what it’s like to feel alone in this. And we believe there’s freedom on the other side.
You are not broken.
You don’t have to earn your food.
You can trust yourself again.
Listen to the Episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or any other podcast platform.
Beauty in the Break, Ep. 7: The Eating Habits We Never Chose — Healing Our Relationship with Food
In this raw and reflective conversation, we talk about:
• My eating disorder diagnosis and why it was actually a relief
• The impact of childhood hunger on Cesar’s adult eating habits
• The voice of diet culture—and how to recognize it in your own head
• Learning to eat intuitively (and why it’s harder than it sounds)
• How I used Intermittent Fasting to feed my eating disorder
• And how to move forward—even if you’re still on the treadmill of shame
This episode is a love letter to anyone who’s ready to step off that treadmill. You are allowed to eat. You are allowed to feel peace. You are allowed to come home.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
Looking for Resources?
We mention the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole & Elyse Resch, which was foundational in my recovery. You can find it here.
If this spoke to you, I’d be honored if you’d:
• Leave a comment or send a voice note
• Share the episode with someone who needs it
• Sign up for my newsletter or join my upcoming community space (more soon!)
You are worthy. You are whole. And your healing is yours.
With love,
Foster
Listen to the Episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or any other podcast platform.